my phone needs a breathalizer
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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