i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
