ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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