Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
