She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
