how can u be prego again
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize