moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
