3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Randomize