Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
