I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
