Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
