Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
