My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
