it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
