I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
