i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
