My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Jerry, you need to find god
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
