omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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