I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
