Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
