last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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