I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
