Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
