Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
