Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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