just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
