You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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