If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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