his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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