I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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