Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
