I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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