I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize