Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just fell off a train. Bad.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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