apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
