i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
