My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
