her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
