I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
