i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
