I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
