No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
