Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
