I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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