i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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