i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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