Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
