so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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