actually, I'm a sock model
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
