she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
