i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
