I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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