I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
