I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
