I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
