Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
