I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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