there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
