When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Boobs speak an international language.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
