I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
