If that was your dad, he is hot
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
